


Far too Young to Die

by Miss_Murdered



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Death Fic that is not a Death fic, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Violence, some gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-23 23:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2559509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Murdered/pseuds/Miss_Murdered
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Duo saw Heero die. Four times he bled in his arms. And four times Duo tried to stop it. But after living the day of his nightmares, over and over again, can Duo find a way to stop it and save Heero Yuy? 1x2x1</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Too Young to Die

It was the fourth time I watched Heero die that I realised that my day was well and truly fucked. I'd seen him blown to pieces, shot in the femoral artery, caught in the debris of a building falling on him and then knocked over by a fleeing Jeep. It was four times I'd held him in my arms, four times I'd tried to stop the damn bleeding, four times he'd pinned me with a blank eyed stare and I knew I was losing him. Four times I pleaded for him not to die – moved his hair from his eyes, kissed his temple, told him he was an asshole and he wasn't going to die on me. Four times I'd woken up in the same damn military bunk in the same old Alliance base in the same Middle Eastern country.

In each of these times, I'd been too slow, too dumb, too stupid, my reaction half a second off. Like when the kid blew himself up, when Heero hesitated and didn't shoot, he'd been too close in the blast radius and I was shouting at him, having seen the bomb moments before he did from my angle and then I saw the devastation. The kid was nothing more than red mist and Heero was… not good. I was dragging him away from the damage, blood trailing across the sand staining it red and his leg was torn to shit. The other was not much better.

Only Heero could still be alive as I was calling in "man down" and trying to create a tourniquet but then he was murmuring stop and my bloody hands stilled.

"Fuck you," I shot back at him. "I am not losing you, asshole"

I would try. Goddamn it, I would  _try._  We were nineteen. Too fucking young for this to be  _it_ – for Heero to be bleeding out, for me to be holding him, for my lips to brush across his one last time but I'd regretted the last words he'd heard me say were damn swearing. As then, he faded, even the Perfect Soldier unable to withstand the intense blood loss and there was a retreat and me carrying his body back. There was me calling the guys in a haze. There was a sound on the other end of the hazy vidphone line that sounded in so much fucking pain. There was me being given a sedative as I became inconsolable. There was me not being given enough for me to calm the fuck down and being restrained and pumped with more drugs. There was me, falling into oblivion, remembering only hours before I'd snuck into his room and I imagined his fingers still on my skin. His mouth on my throat. His eyes looking into mine. And it was black.

Then I woke up in the bunk. For the second time. The time he got shot and I was staunching the bleeding with parts of my shirt, ripped to shit in my impatience, and he was going into shock.

"Stop," he told me again, the words soft from his lips as he  _knew_ he was done for – I was in denial that time – I was in denial every time as Heero was Heero. Not supposed to die. Always so goddamn perfect.

"No, I'm not watching you die, goddamn it," I ground out through gritted teeth.

"Duo," he said, low, slow, the syllables drawn out, and I felt my heart clench  _again_  as his head lolled and my rudimentary medical care did no fucking good.

His breathing stopped. His body went limp. I was covered in his blood. I held him close that second time, kissed his cooling skin and that time his body was taken from my arms, me fighting to keep hold of him as he was  _mine_ and I was in the back of the Jeep before I fucking knew – back at the base, dead eyed and blank.

The second time I figured I'd probably dreamt the first thing as I slammed my fists into a mirror in a bathroom and was taken to the medical bay – put on suicide watch, drugged and slept without dreams. The third time I started to figure that something was not okay.

The explosions rippled and the building collapsed. Blood poured from a head wound. I tried. I damn pleaded. Called in "man down". He told me to stop again. Whispered my name. Head in my lap, I moved his heavy bangs to the side, and I felt his chest heave and his breathing laboured.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"'Ro…" my voice cracked and faltered as his chest stopped moving, my head dropping to my chest and I held him like that for what seemed like hours – in the debris of a crumbling building, holding him and my own chest constricting, my own breathing fucked, and I was found there – them letting me sit with his body on the journey back, my hand holding his.

I refused to leave his bodies side – the medical team for some reason letting me as I sat all night with him, as I talked to him. Told him those things we never got to do. And I fell asleep there, calm, my fingers in touching distance.

The fourth time the Jeep sped to hit me and he pushed me outta the way. The collision was hard and I told him he was the asshole for saving me as we repeated the previous days dialogue – his remaining unchanged, mine altered as he coughed blood and I wiped it away. I knew the bleeding was internal this time, that nothing I could do would change that but I had to do something – got out my knife and was told to stop, again, heard my name from his bloody lips, again, and he damn apologised, again.

"I should've been better…"

"No, Heero," I whispered, knowing he was thinking about his damn training and that driving need to be better, to be stronger, to be the damn hero and I felt myself shake, grief and knowing that this was happening fucking  _again_ making something like a choked back sob come outta my mouth.

The fourth time he died, the fourth time I watched him stop breathing, I felt too fucking much that I entirely shut down – oh, hell, I felt the devastation of his corpse, of the vidcall to the guys, of the memory of him as he had been the last night we had together. They offered me the sedatives and I refused, seeking comfort in a bottle of cheap booze and I snuck into the room Heero had used, breathed in the scent of him from his t-shirt and sat on his bed and remembered him as I wanted to – hot mouth, deep eyes and strong hands – rather than as the bloody damaged body. I started to fall asleep on his bed, the burn and headiness of bad alcohol making me talk to my damn self as I succumbed to the inevitable shit – that when I woke up, I'd be in my bunk and Heero would be alive again only for him to die.

"Tomorrow it ain't gonna happen," I said, talking to the four blank walls, "tomorrow I'm gonna save your ass."

I dropped the bottle to the floor and slid into the thin blankets that smelt of him and murmured into his pillows.

"'Cause I love you, asshole."


	2. Give Me One Last Kiss

The air conditioning of the base made it colder than it needed to be even though we were in the damn desert. I looked for my discarded boxers, pants, slipping them back on and looked over my shoulder to see my every movement was being watched. Silently. Closely.

"Enjoying the view, Yuy?"

He nodded, still naked and all, and I laughed a little as I found my grey tank, sliding it over my head, taking out my braid and dog tags from the fabric.

"You could stay."

I smirked and walked back over, leaning down to exchange one last kiss. He was totally trying to get me to stay, pulling me down by my shoulders, fisting one hand in my tank and kissing me hot and heavy. I managed to prise my lips away, however fucking tempting it was to just slide back into bed with Heero and maybe have some more sex. But damn, it really wasn't a good idea and like hell would we sleep in a tiny bunk. He wasn't being at all practical. And people say I'm the dumb as fuck one.

"Deckard's already fucking pissed at us. You wanna make it worse?"

He snorted, turned onto his back fully, looked at the ceiling. "He won't find out."

"Hell, he won't find out as I'm goin' to go and sleep in my own bunk, 'Ro, nice as this was an' all, I don't wanna get written up for somethin' else. You know I'm one more disciplinary from being kicked outta Prev."

If I didn't know better the great Heero Yuy had a pout going on. I smiled, climbed back on top of him – yeah, I'd been in that particular position not so long ago but hey, not gonna go into those gory details – and leaned over him.

"You know, I'm totally into whatever…  _this_ is," I punctuated my words by putting my hand on his chest, "but I want sleep before we move out in the mornin' and you've never let me sleep, right, 'Ro?"

"You're to blame."

"Yeah? All my fault?" I asked, the hint of tease in my voice. "Think you're a willing participant here, 'Ro."

He pulled me back down to him, his hand around my braid and I met his lips, his mouth warm, his lips chapped and then I moved back, ready to go, paused for a second looking down at him in the low light.

"When this is done, I'm all yours," I said, the words suddenly making me damn awkward so I clarified. "I mean, ya know we can hang out and have sex and stuff."

I didn't know what the hell we were doing so I pulled away, hopped off him and grabbed my khaki jacket. As 'Ro said nothing else, I left with a "see ya" and then closed the door to his room. I stopped outside momentarily, the high of his skin against mine still just underneath the surface and I thought, damn - what was I doing? Then I just shook my head - I was doing exactly the wrong thing and that was kinda something that was too fucking me.

I went to my room, stripping to boxers and slipping into thin sheets and letting myself drift off, my fingers subconsciously reaching towards the bite on my neck that would look like a goddamn hickey in the morning as I fell asleep.

It was damn morning far too soon and lemme tell you the wakeup call in a military base was not the most subtle - it's a siren thing that makes you get the fuck up and it jolted me awake, sitting up and reaching for a weapon automatically. It takes a moment having been woken up that harshly, even for me, to work out where I was and what the hell I was meant to be doing. Though, my reflexes always went for a weapon. Huh. Couldn't help that.

As I'd slept in only my boxers, I quickly grabbed at the desert combat gear Prev gave me and left my room in search of the commissary tent where breakfast would be shitty but it would be food and then we'd be moving out.

The pre-mission anxiety shit always surfaced at this point - I guess I'd never felt this when I was at the controls of my Gundam as I was in control of my own destiny and all. Here, now, I was under orders and I was dancing to someone else's tune and I admit, I ain't the best at that. So I knew I tapped my hand against my thigh in a rhythm of some song that was in my head as I lined up with the rest of the troops to get breakfast and it was then I felt a light tap on my shoulder to see Heero behind me, his own combat gear on, his dog tags over a tight white tee that clung perfectly to his torso and I dragged my eyes up from admiring his abs and pecs and back to the food.

Hadda maintain some professionalism, ya know, as then I could feel a stare across the tent and I saw Deckard, his eyes narrowing at our proximity to each other. Oh, he suspected and if he got proof then his report could be my one way ticket outta the Preventers as last night….yeah, sneaking into his room was really not allowed.

I didn't know what me and Heero were doing. Okay, yeah I knew we were having hot and heavy sex and it had started a coupla months ago but - but - I didn't know if we were moving towards something else or if we wanted something else or whatever. I mean, I'm not sleeping with anyone else and I guessed he wasn't but really, me and 'Ro - domestic bliss? That's believable.

We got trays of food - calorie controlled and kinda grey looking and even though the commissary was in a tent, there was some damn sand in it as this was the desert - everything had freaking sand in it. We didn't talk as we ate but people looked at us - some in awe, some outta curiosity, some saying disparaging shit about our pasts. We'd been forced to start at the beginning as agents and it was not our place to bitch as really, we coulda been put into prison for war crimes or whatever so paying our dues was fine. The only thing was so many other agents had links to our old enemies so we'd probably killed some of their buddies. Heero had pulled off a coupla guys off me on a previous mission who'd tried to corner me and beat the shit outta me - I hated him for thinking I needed the protection and hated him more for following protocol and getting the assholes written up as hell, we stood out enough already.

After breakfast, it was all mission shit, quick showers and checking gear before we moved out. But before we left the base, we found a moment alone, and he kissed me, me groping his ass and grinding up against him until I was little breathless and half way to hard.

"Couldn't get enough of me last night?" I teased.

"Something like that."

That was all we had before we moved out as we were put into separate vehicles and I held my weapon loosely in my hands, the rifle heavy and reassuring as I touched last night's hickey subconsciously.

I was glad that the Kevlar padded jacket hid it, the collar making it so it couldn't be seen by the other guys and gals on my transport. I took enough shit about my appearance, that I'd kept my braid and I didn't need to take anymore.

The vehicles jolted over the rough terrain, jostling us into the people on either sides, I levelled my eyes at my boots or above the heads of people as I could feel the stares and the backhand comments. I'd heard some of them - don't say shit about someone when that someone had been given some nice little pills during his teens to make him a little better at this stuff. G was less industrious than J but it wasn't as though I'd not been given some cocktail of pills that were probably a little bit risky. Hell, I was glad I'd not gone through the same shit as 'Ro but then when he pushed me around to get into my pants, I couldn't deny that it turned me on.

The vehicles stopped at the town, or what was once a town, the civilian population having been displaced to camps by the fighting in this area - the desert littered with unexplored landmines. A new conflict - or maybe the same old one - repeated and here was ground zero - this area used to construct weaponry and train their future soldiers and the ESUN wanted intervention as sanctions hadn't worked - generals still trained kids to hold weapons and bombs were being made.

We hopped out, forming into teams, alpha, beta, foxtrot, omega - me and 'Ro separated. I checked my braid was secured down the back of my jacket, and secured a bandana round my mouth to avoid the sand and the smoke from any potential explosions. Ditto for the goggles I secured over my eyes. Huh. And I always made fun of Quat for them - as they sat on top of the fireplace in his place as though a testament to who he'd used to be. Now I understood. Sands a motherfucking bitch.

My team, beta had a quadrant full of houses, each one small, dark, traces of the families who had lived their left. I saw beds and blankets - so many, knowing that here, just like L2, people lived all together, all close in a tiny house. Places smelt, rotten food and flies buzzed around my head. We moved in formation, guns raised, hand signals used and it didn't take long til I saw the first bloated body, knelt down and looked for a minute, to see the brown blood on dusty sandy floors and a few bullet wounds. Unnecessary they'd die with one - ya know, in this sorta place with infection and ineffectual medical care.

It wasn't until a later house that I saw a little girl dead in the middle of blankets, no shot wound, thin and I guessed she'd been left - accidentally or maybe her folks had been killed and no one was there... I stopped thinking, continued with the rest of my team, clearing houses, confirming that there were no enemy combatants.

The first explosion pretty much told us we had walked into something we shouldn't. A goddamn trap. The sound was deafening, the air became thick with smoke, and parts of old buildings crumbled, as we were ordered to move from our position to assist alpha team who'd taken casualties. My heart sank. 'Ro was in alpha team.

"Go, go, go," was the damn order from our team leader, exiting dark dusty houses to be in the glaring bright sun. My eyes adjusted through my goggles enough as I saw the place, the walls blasted, soldiers lying dead or dying and fuck, I looked up. The first volleys of gunfire burst from the goddamn roofs above us - the explosion was to draw us out and we were lame sitting ducks.

On the first sounds of gunfire, I clung to the walls and raised my weapon. Our camo gear was not that damn effective but least bullets could only come from the building opposite and not behind me. Small mercies and all. One of my team, some dude called Ethan, exited one of the houses, without the adequate level of caution and I watched the bullets hit him, felt one whistle past me, but saw the little hits that spurted red mist in its wake. It was not a pretty thing.

Alpha team had been in what had been the market area - clearing it and I had no orders - oh hell, I probably had orders but I didn't hear them in the gunfire - my communication line was fuzzy which indicated it wasn't just a standard explosion and I raised my weapon, aimed, fired a couple of shots at the dudes on the roof - not in any real attempt to kill - not that I've gone all sweet and innocent, but so it distracted as I ducked low and ran to a burnt out vehicle - attempting, well, make an attempt to find Heero.

I was following orders, I could reason - that they wanted us to back up alpha team but all I wanted to damn well knelt was where 'Ro was.

It made me think - shit, here I was in the middle of all this goddamn sand and gunfire and smoke and all I wanted was him. And it fucked with my head - why did it matter? Yeah, he was my buddy and I'd always damn worried about him - because he was a self-sacrificing shit head who thought of others before himself but also... Yeah . Should not have started sleeping with the guy as the memory of last night was still pretty fresh. If I'd not been holding a weapon, I may've reached out for the hickey.

I gritted my teeth and remembered Deckard's shitty mission brief - the map and him pointing and I calculated the next run I had to make. Some gunfire rattled on the car near me and I calculated how long a run to the next building would take and just went, fuck it. This was why men like Deckard hated me. As once shit got bad, I improvised and got a little bit reckless but I figured I'd lived a charmed life - I shoulda died so many damn times that right now I just ran to the cover of a another building, ducked as gunfire hit sand around me and threw my body low against a wall.

The communicator crackled in my ear.

"Pull back. Rendezvous point C."

"Sorry, boss - no can do," I replied to thin air - hey, was not gonna call the dude back and go "Maxwell here, yes sir". My response was more likely to be "gotta find my buddy so go fuck yourself."

The market was not too damn far now - the cloud of smoke still clung from the explosions and I looked up to see less men on the roofs above and I swallowed. That was not good. We were outnumbered, ambushed and being picked up from above - you don't retreat when everything is in your fucking favour. I raised my gun, walked close to the edge of buildings and heard a sudden eerie silence as I approached the now decimated market place area - shit - it looked worse than if Wing ZERO's buster rifle had been aimed square on it. And the bodies. Alpha team had been working in a formation in groups and it seemed that they had died in those little teams. I walked cautiously, looking up again, waiting for something. Quiet in a battlefield is a fucked up thing, lemme tell you. It totally doesn't seem right and it never, never fucking ever leads to something good. I saw movement from a darkened doorway and pointed my weapon - lowering it a little when Heero leaned out and motioned for me to approach.

I walked, my eyes still scanning and my boots stepped in blood and sand and debris.

"Shit," I said, once inside, Heero leaning against the doorway, his eyes scanning, his weapon in his hand.

He didn't look bad - his sandy coloured uniform was covered in black and red - the blood, from what I could see, was not his, he had a cut on his temple but so goddamn minor that it barely registered.

"Have you got comms?"

"Yeah - want us to move out - point C."

He nodded - I knew in an instant he was pulling up the information regarding that with his big old brain and I looked out of the glassless window the scene of devastation.

"Fucking trap," I spat and Heero turned his attention to me, his eyes checking me over.

"Your team?"

"Lost a few - came to find you when I found out what happened to alpha so guess we lost more."

He nodded - didn't criticise me for my decision to find him and I said, gently, more gently than the situation allowed. "I'm glad you ain't dead."

Heero gave me a look full of sarcasm and raised his weapon. "Move out."

He took point, me taking the rear and I scanned the market, scanned the floor, scanned the roofs - every damn thing I could, walking in long slow strides and feeling the tension curl in my gut. I wanted to run but running is a sure as shit way to get yourself killed - slow, cautious, weapon in hand - so much better. We were ten minutes away from rendezvous point C - I knew it, he knew it and we were taking cover at all available opportunities but there were no enemy combatants visible.

We stopped behind a burned out Jeep for a minute and I reached out for him - our hands touching briefly. "I don't like this."

Blue eyes looked to where our hands were joined and I could see he agreed, he nodded sharply, indicated down a street and I followed his lead. No one around making the whole place feel damn eerie.

Then there was a kid.

He stepped out in front of us - his clothing was dusty, dirty, ripped - hey I remembered looking like that - and his feet were bare. I don't know why I looked there and then back up but that was how I saw a wire trailing out of his shorts and it gave me a split second before Heero.

He was closer - yeah, of course he was, being point, me a dozen steps behind and I shouted in warning.

Good things in life go too damn quick. Short perfect moments. Happy things. Having sister Helen braid my hair. Having Solo tell me "don' good kiddo". Having Heero slide above me, run his lips over my neck - make me feel so good with his body.

Bad shit? Time slows down and I saw the kid reaching for his detonation device and I was shouting Heero's name as I fell to the ground - instincts kicking in so damn quickly.

It reminded me of watching him self-destruct. Yeah, I'd not had a fuck ton of feelings for him then other than I hated the fucker for stealing Deathscythe's parts but watching that - him so determined looking as he followed orders - hell, it fucked with my head.

Now I saw the kid. The device activated. The explosion and red mist of a body being obliterated by the force of chemicals and wires.

I saw Heero - I saw him hesitate the moment the kid walked in front of us and I knew, knew he couldn't do what he should do - what neither of us had time to do - which was shoot an innocent child in the head before he detonated the device but... I'm not a monster. A killer. Not a monster and 'Ro couldn't either.

That's what those assholes had counted on as I was washed over by the charge of power and disruption to the air that the explosion provided and my face was in the sand, my goggles and bandana protecting my eyes and mouth.

Heero was meant to be quicker than me - better, stronger, he was meant to be the best and I was meant to be nothing more than number two, following in his wake. But he didn't see, or maybe he did, a second too damn late as the blast threw him back and the buildings above crumbled and the kid was nothing.

The ringing in my ears made the world around me slip like glass, underwater, distorted and I pushed myself up, my head spinning, breathing in fumes despite the fact the bandana covered my mouth and I crawled, unsteady and sick, towards him, my weapon left behind as I just fucking forgot. Some soldier I was, as I was so damn focused on him and I couldn't hear him - but once I was near enough I could see - and oh fuck.

I'd never, ever, seen something so bad first hand - too damn close as blood flowed and Heero had gritted teeth and I didn't need to hear the noises he made as I reached him, tried to move him so we weren't so damn exposed. I hoped, oh shit, I hoped that this explosion - that little boy was the last thing as right now I had nothing left to fight with - no mental reserves, no soldierly resolve, only the concern of someone who was watching someone important to me die.

I didn't know - I so didn't know - what I felt Heero but damn it, he meant shit to me. Whether it was love or lust or hell, convenience - I slept with people but I didn't just jump into bed with anyone and I wouldn't have jumped into bed with 'Ro on some goddamn whim or stupid mistake thing. I meant it.

And here he fucking was - his leg torn to shit, the blast, the angle, whatever meant it was just... I felt myself panic as shit - despite training - two lots of triage medicine training - I knew, I knew it was pointless. I radioed in with "man down" – nothing else more coherent than that – no co-ordinates, nothing as I got close. I couldn't hear him, the ringing in my goddamn ears but we could both lip read. I wanted to make a reference to how we met - oh not how we met but how I rescued his ass from that Alliance hospital - when he read my lips, but instead...I was trying to stem the blood, I was going to try and create a tourniquet but all I was doing was getting blood all over me and I knew… I knew.

He murmured the word "stop". It played across his lips softly and I saw his eyes flutter, closing, and I grabbed at the collar of the white t-shirt, trying to shake him for all the damn good it would do.

"Fuck you," I shot back at him. "I am not losing you, asshole"

But it didn't matter. He was gone. I knew that yet my brain was holding onto the images of him alive - those that spanned from him being a fifteen year old asshole wearing spandex to something more up to date. To last night and me on top of him, my mouth on his chest, trailing over him, making him moan, him encouraging my head downwards - his fingers using gentle force until I complied - was always gonna, I wasn't a fucking tease... And that memory was ripping me to damn pieces as he was dead in my arms.

I leaned down, brushed my lips over his one last time – one last kiss.

The rest of the day passed me by in a blur, my "man down" communication had been received, us collected by a rescue team and time became weird, fluid, as I ended back at the base, making the call to Quatre as I knew he had to know – knew he'd do the right thing. Make the calls. Couldn't call the Princess myself. Couldn't damn do it. Could only say "Quat – it's Heero."

And it was all that was needed. The rest of the day… well, that faded with sedatives, when I demanded to be with his body, when I became irrational and fought and clawed to be next to him. When the first dose of drugs did fuck all for me and then there was the second dose, my body pinned down to metal gurney until they finally worked.

There was comfort in those sedatives as it was a sleep unhindered by thought or memories and dreams and when I woke up, head groggy, body aching, in my bunk, my heart hammering in my chest, I remembered it all. His body, his blood, his blank blue eyed stare. But I was damn confused as I was in the bunk – in the room, in the base, not in the medical wing, not strapped down and not restrained. Yet I didn't think much about it as I'd woken up with the knowledge that Heero Yuy was dead and it wasn't for the first time in my life. And little did I know, it wouldn't be the damn last.

 


	3. Fixation or Psychosis

Chapter Two

The thing was Heero wasn’t dead. I _knew_ he was dead. Felt life leave his body, held him in my arms and felt him damn slip away but he wasn’t, fuck it.

I woke up that first day, the military alarm waking me up and my reflexes kicking in – reaching for a weapon and taking a few deep confused breaths as I was in a military grade bed in my boxers like I’d fallen asleep the night after the last time we screwed.  And it was wrong as the events that had proceeded me waking up in my bed in a metal box meant I should be in the damn medical bay, strapped down and my wrists were not chafed or bleeding from the wounds I’d made on myself and instead it was like I’d gone back in damn time to the previous morning and that fucked with my head.

I acted like any rational person, finding clothes as quickly as I could, throwing them over my body and running, running like an idiot to Heero’s room expecting to find nothing – expecting to see an empty bunk or whatever but instead, I had an arm around my throat and a gun at my temple quicker than I anticipated. I mean, shit, sometimes he is just _fast_ and there I was, overpowered by him in an instant, and I yielded as he figured out it was me and released me. Maybe the fact I didn’t fight back clued him in or my smell or something but a second later, I was rubbing at my throat looking as surprised at him as he was at me. I surprised him further by launching myself at him, kissing him with all the intensity of “you’re not dead” and finding myself unable to stop touching any part of him that I could reach, if he was little unsure of my sudden neediness, he didn’t let me know, as I only backed up when I realised we were getting too hot and heavy for the situation.

As we separated, his eyes scanned me, clearly confused and I shrugged. “Bad dream…” I said in explanation and he didn’t press.

Maybe I should say something more – that he was dead and the mission turned into a shit storm but hell, maybe that said I was going crazy and really, I figured Heero was a dead stickler for the rules that he may end up reporting to the medical department for me having sun stroke or some sorta shit. And so I let a hand drift down his arm, sliding it over his skin, his muscles, gazing up into his eyes.

“Be careful out there today… I got a bad feeling, ya know?”

He looked amused and just nodded, leaning in for one more brush of lips and said a soft “okay”.

It seemed stupid now, in the cold light of day, in his room, the evidence of last night in discarded condom wrappers on the bed and in the trash, and I almost felt like laughing at myself. Some vivid dream or what…?

But it didn’t stop the damn feeling as I went through motions of the day, seeing Heero again in the line for food, meeting him for another quick kiss and then I was in the back of the transport, my head against the metal side as I looked up to the tarp above. It was then, as I sat with my rifle on my knee that I tried to not feel like I was walking into a shit storm. Which I was. I fucking knew I was but how did I tell people I _thought_ I’d done this day before, I _thought_ the entire op turned into one royal fuck up without sounding like the crazy ass person that I seriously did not need to be thought of as. As shit, I’m a former Gundam pilot, I’m a dude with a long ass braid and shit, I’m too damn young according to most of the damn people in Prev so shit, no one was gonna believe me.

I swallowed, looked around the truck and thought… yeah, some of these people are gonna die and I could stop this. I’d never had this opportunity in my life, you know? Death had happened, usually due to my actions being bad or fucked up or _something_ and I’d been helpless and now I fucking wasn’t and I was scared because people may think I’m a little gone in the head. But damn, those people probably already thought I was some kinda fucked up war vet so damn, might as well prove it and all.

There was shit I could say but then the truck stopped moving, me jerking forward as I’d not been damn concentrating and I heard a few of the dudes snort, and say “kid”, making me feel so fucking angry but then what did it matter? Saving lives was more important than the shit of being thought of a freak, right?

But it was already happening and I did not have time. I saw Ethan, the guy I’d seen sprayed with bullets, and I reached for him, seeing him look at me like he wanted to spit on my fucking face.

“The fuck, Maxwell?”

I looked at his brown eyes, the scowl on his face and suddenly that serious expression made me think of ‘Fei but I blocked out the comparison.

“Just be careful, got a bad feeling.”

He laughed, fucking laughed and shouted, “hey, the kid needs to go back to base! He’s fucking scared.”

I glared as the rest of my team laughed and I was tempted to do something stupid, more stupid than my usual actions as I felt the trigger of my gun with my index finger, until they stopped, a command obviously given in the midst of them laughing their guts up about me. I scowled, bringing out my weapon, securing my goggles and the bandana around my mouth, trying not to be too flaming pissed.

Thing was, I thought I was helping but shit, if people didn’t want to believe me then what was the goddamn point? So instead of thinking of the worst, of the decimated market square, of Ethan’s body jerking as bullets impacted, and Heero dying in my arms, I went into mission mode, walking over the sand with careful footsteps, my boots making marks in the ground underneath as I went in formation with my team.

Maybe the team were jerks and it did make me miss the war – when it was me and the other’s and ‘Ro and that was it – no one else to depend on but us but I still had trust them with my life. And it would still suck to see them obliterated in front of my damn eyes. But I had no chance as we were searching the buildings, those houses that were dark, that the flies buzzed around and the smell of rotten food and worse.

Of course, I saw him again. Fuck, the smell seemed more putrid, more profound and I was gagging behind my bandana, glad that I had the material over it to hide my damn feelings. The body, the brown blood staining the dusty floor made me feel like this was far too fucking much for me – too much like déjà vu and shit, I did not like it as I remembered how this went down. How this ended up with a little boy blowing himself up and Heero dead in my arms, me brushing my lips over his, him looking so damn fragile and small like he never fucking seemed to me.

We were moving, me stepping over the bloated corpse, riddled with far too many bullet holes and I was following, following as if in a damn dream, following my own footsteps, feeling my heart in my chest, my racing pulse, my shallow breath. And he, the first corpse was a mindfuck, him on the floor, remembering seeing it far too damn clearly the first time. And I knew, with that awful feeling in my stomach, that I was walking towards the inevitable and being unable to do much to stop it.

I remembered the girl. Hell, I always was gonna remember the girl as she was young and frail and I hadn’t been able to decide if she’d been left to die or been killed so when I found her again, this time, this time I didn’t just raise my weapon and walk away. Fuck, it always had to be kids, you know? We all got our weaknesses, I guess and sure as shit, seeing some little girl swathed in blankets, thin and dead was not gonna go unnoticed by yours truly. So this time, instead of keeping to orders, I bent down, moved them  a little trying to see if she’d been shot, hurt, something or whether she’d just crawled into her bed and died. If she’d been alone. If she’d spent her time wondering whether her parents were coming back or whether she saw them die. I reached towards her, brushed aside some dark hair and swallowed back a choke as the smell of death clung to her and I knew… just had to move on Duo, but damn, it always came back to this – the young and unprotected ending up dead. It ain’t the war anymore. She shouldn’t be dead.

My time, my fucking delay meant that I now heard the information I expected and scowled.  The trap. The market place. Heero’s team. I banished the damn thoughts, standing and making my way outta the building and shit, I saw it again. Again Ethan died. The spray of bullets making him do a little jig type thing as he fell to the floor and I gritted my teeth. See hadn’t damn well listened and I had _tried_ goddamnit. Told him that shit was going down. Told him that he should’ve been more careful as I stayed in the shadows of the doorway, thinking, fuck if Ethan didn’t listen to me, sure as fuck Heero wouldn’t.

He wouldn’t be taking extra care. He wouldn’t as he was Superman, right? And shit, I hadda get there, we had to go a different way. We had to avoid that fucking kid. And I made my move, sticking to the buildings edges, aiming my weapon at the men on the roof, passing by fallen comrades and enemy combatants, looking a few times at their faces as I passed. It was strange to see people who had laughed at me, who hadn’t damn believed me dead on the ground but I didn’t feel any hated as all I felt was a sense of hopelessness I always had. That no matter what, I ain’t gonna stop something terrible from happening. Or maybe I could. Maybe I could get to Heero. Maybe we’d not see that kid with that wire trailing down his shorts and we’d not seen him blown into red mist and ‘Ro wouldn’t end up dying in my arms. Fuck. Too many maybes but I was gonna get to him, gonna find him, go to the rendezvous, go back to base, screw around and not give a shit if Deckard found out as he would be alive, he would be with me and it would be all good.

I just had to make that fantasy come true.

So I followed my own footsteps again. Okay, maybe not quite as shit, the whole following what I’d already done, even if it was some whacked dream, even if I was losing my fucking mind,  did not sit well. I did not want to make every move I had the first time. As I remembered, you know, Father Maxwell telling us all about the consequences of our actions as a kid. That everything we did had a reaction and whether it was good or bad depended on us. And shit, I did a bad thing, bad things came back in reaction. Or something like that. So I guess, I watched my step as I made my way to the market, to the bombed out building Heero had been in as the roofs cleared of soldiers and I was left slowly walking over bloody corpses, smelling fire and explosives on the air through my bandana.

I walked cautiously, so damn cautiously, seeing that building with the glass blown out and Heero in the gloom. My mouth felt dry, drier than it already had been in this fucking desert as I walked across the market area, feeling the same creeping sensation I had the first time and fuck, I did not like it one damn bit.

But then I was inside Heero’s cover, pulling the bandana out of my mouth, coughing a little as I felt like I breathed in sand the fumes of detonated explosives.

"Have you got comms?" he asked, abrupt as I remembered and I looked up, seeing the minor injuries he had. The same minor injuries, the cut above his eye, his uniform dusty and bloody and burnt.

I nodded, some reason words not coming out as I stared at Heero as it felt like in a few moments time I’d see him as I’d seen him before on the battlefield, dead, in my arms, me kissing his lips one last time and him slipping away. Blood and pain and his breathing stopping. As I had to stop that. Had to damn well stop it.

“And?”

My mouth opened and I tried not to look so damn useless as he glared, his fierce blue eyes stern and looking kinda pissy as I wasted his time.

“Rendezvous C,” I blurted out and he looked at me, his eyebrows drawn as though he doubted me and Heero… well, he didn’t generally doubt me. He knew I was badass as he was, as strong, as damn good and I hated that fucking look as yeah, the whole situation was fucking with my head but I was in no way incompetent.

He nodded as he was figuring it out but I knew we couldn’t go the way he thought of… the way that led to that kid blowing himself up. Him dying in my arms.

"It was a trap," I said bitterly, angrier now when I _knew_ and my warnings had been ignored. As fuck it, no one could damn believe me and I barely believed myself but fuck, I knew how shit was going to go down and I knew I had to try something to alter the path the events were going to take.

"Your team?" he asked and I looked up, met his severe eyes, the way he was still looking a little concerned about my mental fortitude but whatever. As it was weird to have this conversation again, to repeat what we’d already said, to be going through the damn motions again.

"Lost a few.”

I didn’t add anything – didn’t add how Ethan had looked sprayed with bullets or anything, instead all I did was shrug to which he nodded. And I felt myself saying words I damn well said before but this time, I stupidly stepped forward too, to touch, to feel, to run my fingers up to his face, covered in dirt and sand and blood. It was a little out of character for me, I knew that, as shit, I was the one who always put distance between us, I was the one who left his place, picking up my clothes off his floor five minutes after the sex was done and I had enough breath to damn well move. And now I was initiating but with what I’d seen? Holy fuck, of course, I was gonna initiate something more than my usual reticence in the whole relationship thing. Even if it damn hurt me. But this time, I’d change our route, I’d take point and he’d follow me and we’d never come across the damn kid and it would all be fucking fine. Or that’s what I thought.

"I'm glad you ain't dead," I said and I meant it as I brushed at one of his long bangs of hair.

Heero gave me a look full of sarcasm and raised his weapon, repeating the exact same shit I remembered. "Move out."

But before he could get in front of me, before he could take damn control like Heero Yuy always fucking had to do, I pushed in front, raising my weapon, securing the bandana back around my mouth and my goggles over my eyes.

“I’m taking point, we gotta go a different way to the rendezvous point due to the explosions.”

It was a lie and hey, it felt like it burnt on my damn tongue as I said it. After all, fuck my whole thing was not lying to people – but… but what if it saved his life? What if it made it so he survived when in the other version of these events he died in my arms? Like hell was I gonna let that happen so I calculated a new route, one that went nowhere near where that kid had blown himself to shit and walked out of our covered.

 I’m sure Heero knew it was a damn lie – or knew I was fucking up to something but still he followed me, trusted me and I swallowed, the motion hidden and I was walking out, my footsteps slow, measured, taking us a long damn way around. He probably knew that. He always damn knew everything – that big brain able to work out shit quicker than I ever could and I was pretty damn quick but he was trusting. He had no comms and he didn’t know that I was ignoring mine, that I was not following orders or giving a fuck for command. All I was gonna do was get us out of here safe. So damn safe and then we’d kiss once we were back at the base, clean our wounds, spend a night together. Duo fantasy land was a fun place to be, lemme tell you and I intended to keep those happy thoughts even as I walked through the bomb blasted market place. Even as I walked over corpses as fuck, I wasn’t going to think about all the shit that had happened in this fuck up of an operation, I was only going to get us out, to the rendezvous point and safe.

I didn’t want to have to make the call to Quat.

I didn’t want Heero to die in my arms.

I didn’t want any of _that_ pain and torture.

And I wasn’t going to have it as we were gonna get out of here fine and dandy. Positive mental attitude and all.

He followed my lead, me hearing his movement, the tiniest sound behind me as we walked and I turned briefly to check where he was, those perfect few paces behind me, his gun raised. We reached a burnt out truck, crouching for a second to regroup as the silence of the place was giving me fucking chills. It all felt wrong and I was waiting for some danger to appear – something like the kid but when nothing did, I removed the goggles for the last time, throwing them to dirt as I didn’t want them anymore as I reached for him.

“Ready?” I mouthed and he confirmed and we moved, this time in the complete opposite direction of the path we’d taken last time as that was the best way, I thought.

My gun was raised, my eyes flicking up and down at all the buildings as we headed towards a narrow street, doors left open of homes that people had left behind. As we walked, it felt even more damn creepy as I saw a deflated football, a kid’s shoe, stuff that showed these had been homes. I looked up and down, at all those gloomy windows, my movement deliberate but quick. Like it needed to be.

Then I heard damn movement, pointed my weapon, instinct taking over as I readied myself to fire as the noise came from an open door. I glanced towards Heero who only gave me a quick hand signal that meant he’d cover me. Which I knew he would. He was the best damn back up I could ever fucking ask for and I knew exactly how he would act. We were a team before we hopped into bed together and that had its advantages.

The room was cluttered, a kitchen area, tables, low ceiling and I bent a little and I ain’t that damn tall and then the fucking noise, my body turning towards the sound automatically as I saw the dog, the mangy, filthy dog, its fur matted and its skinny ass rummaging through the remains of garbage or trying to find something edible among the human waste that had been left behind.

I let out a laugh. A short burst and I raised my eyebrow at Heero as I turned to look at him, my weapon now hanging loosely at my side.

“Damn dog,” I said and I walked towards it, reaching for an energy bar on my pack belt around my waist. I could almost damn _hear_ Heero roll his eyes at my response to the animal but shit, kids may be my biggest weakness but animals? Hell, they kinda work the same for me, you know?

As abandoned dogs were pretty common back home – left to fend themselves on the streets and I guess, maybe it was just one of those things. I’d been abandoned, unwanted, left for dead, and those animals we found, we tried to help out, tried to feed and maybe I saw that in this stupid dog left to roam in an abandoned village in the middle of the fucking desert. I could hear Heero snort as I unwrapped the package, encouraging the animal to come closer.

“Here boy,” I said and the dog wagged its tail, approached, sniffed at the bar and took a bite. I reached out a hand to stroke, to feel its matted hair and I knew there was nothing else I could do so I left the rest to it, dropping it to the floor and turning towards Heero.

And of course, that’s when I saw the shit I did not want to damn well see. Through the door, the gun poised, the bullets firing into the house and Heero was looking at me, damn it, me being a stupid ass feeding a dog and his weapon wasn’t out quick enough. I pivoted, raised mine, shot, a small burst of fire that saw our gunman drop and I approached the door, quick light footsteps, sticking my head out a little to see if there were any other men around. There wasn’t and even though my move was ridiculously reckless, I didn’t give a shit as I was the dumb ass who’d got distracted. I turned back into the room, looking towards Heero and I felt the bottom of my stomach damn drop out. As there he was, on the damn floor and he was holding his stomach and he was bleeding.

“Heero!”

He grunted and I was at his side, kneeling down on the dusty floor, and shit, I reached my hand to his stomach, instantly feeling my fingers being covered in blood. I swallowed as I saw him already pale, already losing too much fucking blood and I made a noise low in my throat, something that didn’t even sound like me, it sounded like a dying animal in pain or something, as shit, I was in pain as I was watching Heero die again.

And I’d done everything to fucking stop this. This was not supposed to be happening for fucks sake. We’d avoided the kid, we’d avoided the explosion but here he was, dying in my arms again. Fuck.

I tried to staunch the bleeding, ripping apart my own combat gear with a knife, and tried to apply some damn pressure to the wound. It was pretty fucking useless and I got onto my comms, called in man down as I tried to give a location, as I tried to save Heero _again._

“Stop,” he told me and I was not singing this tune again. I was so fucking done already with this mind fuck.

“No, asshole! I am so not watching you die, ‘Ro,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Duo,” he said, low, slow, husky and deep. That voice that send shivers down my spine and I felt the wetness on my damn cheeks as I knew, fuck, I knew.

“Heero.”

I was brushing at his hair as his breathing stopped. As his body went limp. My fingers were covered in his blood as I touched his face, as I held him so fucking close, as I kissed his cooling skin, brushing away his bangs from his forehead and pressing my lips there. I don’t know how long I sat there, on the dusty ground of an abandoned home, or how long it was before we were picked up. The dog, the stupid fucking dog, even ran away, and I was truly alone with him, holding him until they tried to take him away.

I fought them. Tear stained and blood stained and fucking dirty as I would not let him go. I’d already done this shit once – like fuck was I giving him up. But I did, pulled away from his body, me screaming at the top of my lungs that he was mine, goddamn it, and fuck was I letting him go. But I did. And I was in the back of the Jeep, held back from him by a dude I didn’t know as I saw Heero’s body covered by a camouflage tarp, as I looked at him, dead eyed and blank.

Back at base, they let me go to the bathroom, fucking stupid pricks, and my fists ended up in the mirror, the pain of the cuts and the feel of my own blood making me feel fucking better. As pain… shit pain, I could understand. You know the physical kind, not the emotional kind and I was rushed for that stunt, put on suicide watch, drugged and though I hated the loss of control, the feeling of oblivion, those drugs were fucking heaven right then as I drifted into blackness. And there was a part of me that never wanted to wake up again.

But I did. And I was right back in my damn fucking bunk.


	4. Chasing Rollercoasters

Okay, I guess this was happening again, and fuck was I pissed this time. Not confused. Not damn upset or traumatised or whatever. Instead, I was flaming fucking pissed as the sound of the wake-up call was so damn loud and my heart was hammering from the shit I’d just been through.

And like fuck could I go through another day where Heero died and I sure as shit wouldn’t. Not this time. I sat up in my bunk, sat on the edge, ran my fingers through my bangs, felt for my hickey and I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen that I had stashed in my pack, quickly drawing myself a map of the village, the market place, the routes we’d gone.

My tongue was peeking out – my “concentration face” that people tend to mock – hey I can’t help it that I’m a cute little shit, right? But I was figuring it out – all that I’d seen, all the locations, figuring out a way to get me and ‘Ro outta there without incident. I plotted on my map where the boy had been, putting a little X on his spot and then I put an X on the house we’d entered from the other direction and where the damn dog had been and the shooter. It left two directions to turn towards, each making it a long ass way around to get rendezvous point C which I marked too. But they were better options, I was not gonna repeat the same shit again, no bleeding out, no fucking damage to Heero Yuy this time, no fucking way.

I folded up the piece of paper, put it on the side as I got dressed, feeling like, this time, this damn time shit was going to go right. As I pulled my braid out from my tank, as I put on my jacket, I thought about damn Ethan and warning the rest of the men. Then I remembered their jokes at my expense, them thinking I’m a crazy little shit and fuck, I did not want to deal with that, you know? And I wondered if that was bad – that I wasn’t going to be able to save Ethan’s life or anyone else on my goddamn team because they thought I was some crazed, deranged ex-Gundam pilot but fuck, I had to focus my energy on Heero. On saving him. As I was not doing the watching him die again thing.

My decision was simple. I was gonna focus on Heero – getting him outta there alive and I’d do whatever I had to. I thought through my plan, decided this time it would damn well work and grabbed the paper, looking at my route one more time, committing it to memory as I walked outta my room to go get breakfast, to see Heero, and this time I’d act all normal. Act like I’d not done this shit before.

But it was damn hard because as soon as I damn well saw him, I wanted to be all over him as the last image I had of him in my head was him dying in my arms and seeing him standing next to me in the queue to get food, wearing that damn white v-neck tee made me want to jump and do inappropriate things to him right in front of the whole crew as well as Deckard who was glancing at us, that damn suspicion there.

I managed to eat, managed to pretend I was okay until we got our moment alone, that brief little moment, and I pushed him hard against the wall, kissing him like I meant it, my tongue in his mouth as he made a little moan of shock at my sudden display of aggression, at my damn neediness as I ground my hips into his, as I ran my fingers up to his hair, pulling him close, and touching whatever part of him I could get to – wanting to feel him, solid, alive, warm, perfect.

Our lips continued their movement, though I took some of the heat outta the kiss, feeling already like I wanted to do all sorta nasty things with him and we had no time as I could hear the sound of the movement of the rest of our squads, the revving of engines, the stomping of boots and I could hear it even above the rushing of blood in my ears. The white hot sensation of losing myself to him, to each slide of our tongues, each thrust of my hips, each time I twirled his hair around my finger.

I groaned as I left his mouth, dragging his bottom lip between my teeth a little to show my reluctance at moving away and Heero blinked, looked at me a little puzzled.

“And you wouldn’t stay last night?” he asked, an eyebrow raised and I gave him a little chuckle.

“I didn’t want to get into trouble – you see how Deckard was looking at us while we got breakfast?”

He nodded and I felt his hands slide from where they’d rested on my sides, slowly running up and down my back and it gave me shivers.

I leaned forward, claiming his lips, in I guess, what I’d say was a sweet kiss, no fire, no war of tongues, no tonsil hockey or whatever but it felt good and I hadda remember I was saving him this time – this was no goodbye. When I moved back this time, I was scratching a place behind my braid awkwardly, giving him a little smile.

“You be careful… see you on the other side and all.”

He pushed himself from the wall, put his hand lightly on my shoulder and walked to wherever he needed to be. I sighed, watched him go and thought, fuck, tonight we were gonna go back to his or mine bunk and we were going to slowly explore every inch of each other’s bodies like we never had done before as nothing bad was gonna happen on this op. Nothing bad at all.

Hey, never doubt me and my optimism. Got me a lot of places in my life.  

It made me so damn angry as I sat in the back of the truck again, being stared at, being whispered at behind my back. I met Ethan’s eye damn once and I thought… fuck, I thought again about saying something to the asshole as even though he was a jerk, he didn’t deserve to die, right? But I didn’t say nothing this time, too preoccupied, too in my own damn world where I saved Heero Yuy and I was a hero and tonight was filled with hot, slow, sweaty sexy times.

The rocking of the truck had become too damn familiar as I looked above everyone’s heads, thinking of my plan, my route and nothing else. It was all gonna work. But I knew plans never worked out as my life had been me stumbling from one event to the next, losing my way and finding it again so I shouldn’t have so much faith in it. But then faith got me through shit, not religious, just faith in myself so once I was outta the truck, I was securing my weapon, my goggles, the bandana around my mouth and following orders at least for the first part. At least until Heero’s team came under fire.

I walked through the previous events like some kinda zombie, aiming my weapon where I needed, nodding to confirm when I damn needed, searching the houses as I should. The dead dude barely registered this time, bloody and broken on the floor as I guess, for me, he wasn’t something I needed to think about this time.

As I walked over him, I swatted away the flies uncaring and continued my job, walking through the darkened homes and barely thinking shit apart from my plan. Apart from rescuing Heero.  I was trying to go into soldier mode, some kinda mission mode but still when I found the girl, a lump caught in my damn throat and I stopped to look at her, unable to just pass her by. Fuck, I’d seen her twice already and it still fucked me over that she’d been left, abandoned here and I knelt down, hearing the sound of the comms in my ear, hearing the boots of my team on the ground and this time I saw how thin her wrists were and I figured… I figured, shit she’d probably died of starvation rather than anything else. I’d seen that, damn awful as it was, and it stung to see it again. As we fought a war, you know? And things shoulda been better. Kids shouldn’t end up starving to death. This time, I couldn’t damn help it as her dark eyes looked up blankly and I grabbed at the blanket, pulling it over her face, and when I stood back up I could still see her thin wrist and her black hair peeking out but it was better. Easier. And I moved on.

The sound of battle was just like it was the first few times, gunfire and explosions and shouts. I’d taken more time with the girl and this time I just saw Ethan dead, sprawled across the ground, blood pouring on the sand underneath him. It wasn’t hard this time as I stepped over him, fired at the rooftops, clung to the walls, as I went in search of Heero. Maybe it should be. Maybe being among all this death, maybe hearing the eerie silence of a quiet battlefield should’ve made me feel regret or fear or something but I was so fucking single-minded that I didn’t think or feel anything. All I did was walk to the market place, keeping my eyes up and open, my weapon raised until I saw the movement of Heero in the doorway and I was walking cautiously towards him, each foot slowly in front of the other.

I knew we’d have the same damn conversation so instead of having I began to blurt out everything he needed to know.

“Lost some of our team, I still have comms and we need to get to rendezvous C for evac.”

Heero blinked at me as I spoke, rushing over my words as soon as my goggles and bandana were outta the way.

“Your team?” he asked.

I shrugged, holding my weapon loosely in my hand. “Lost some but we gotta go.”

He didn’t mind my haste, my impatience and this time I didn’t linger to touch him as this time he wasn’t dying, right? So later, back at base, I could touch each and every part of him like I damn well wanted so I didn’t need to reach out and reassure myself. As this was going down one way – my way where I’d save his ass.

“I’m taking point,” I told him, an order, “I know a few routes are cut off. Gotta take a different way.”

The lie slipped so damn easily from my lips and even though it wasn’t an order that we should take a different route, I saw it as a sign that we shouldn’t take the two previous ones – hey, let’s not damn well walk the way to where a kid blows himself up or a guy shoots Heero. Yeah, let’s not do that, I thought.

It was easy to persuade Heero as I was using cool hard logic and I wasn’t pissing around so it took nothing to have him following me, our weapons raised, our eyes scanning the market as we went. Heero was behind me, a few steps and I was confident this time as I thought about my little map, the doodle that told me which way to go and I was feeling so damn smug and good about this as I was gonna do this. I could do this.

There were no signs of any enemies and we paused, regrouped by a building that had been hit by an explosion, leaning against it and I flashed him a small smile.

“We gonna get out of here and tonight I’ll stay in your room whatever.”

He rolled his eyes, proof that he thought that this was _not_ that time to discussing tonight’s sleeping arrangements and I chuckled.

“You don’t care about being kicked out?” he asked, his eyes narrowed.

“Naw… need you all night after this shit storm.”

It was then we made our move, our little heartfelt conversation done with – okay, maybe not heartfelt but it was something and I felt damn good as we walked towards the rendezvous point. My plan took us too far north of it but once we were outside the main areas of the village where the fighting had happened, we were gonna double back around the outskirts and come out the other side. It was simple and I felt good about this op for the first time since we’d arrived in this dusty sandy place in the middle of god knew where. As it was gonna be done – we were gonna make the evac and in a few hours we’d be back at base, showered, and fed and then naked. Yeah. I liked this plan.

But fuck, it was not going like I planned. As there was a damn explosion. Or the echo from an explosion and I ducked instinctively as the ground and world rocked around me. I lost my feet, finding myself in the dust as the buildings we were close to began to crumble. They’d already suffered damage in the previous blasts and fighting, and they were now damn unstable the stone becoming loose and falling to the ground. I looked up and rolled my body as walls fell, as roofs did, as the remains of this little village began to fall and crash and burn.

The explosion, the aftermath of it, brought with it a silence that seemed damn deafening and I dared to raise my head. I coughed as the explosion had brought with it a swirl of sand and the debris from the building had filled my lungs. Shoulda kept my bandana around my mouth, I thought, growling a little at my own stupidity. And the damn goggles as I raised myself to my knees, wiping away the grit from my eyes ineffectually with my hands. I felt stone fall to the ground as I moved, the bits of building that had landed on me dropping of my body as I got to my feet to assess the damage both to myself and what was around us.

And of course, I saw Heero, and while I had rolled outta the way and had gained only the slightest of injuries, I flinched as I saw that part of the building had damn well fallen on him, crushing him underneath the weight of it and I was rushing those few steps to see the damage. As fuck, there had to be damage as he lay on his stomach and as soon as I got close and the dust had settled, I saw blood, lots of damn blood and I realised that he couldn’t damn move.

I grabbed at the wall that had fucking fallen on him, trying to lift it to get him out but it was crushing him and his head was laid against the sandy floor and his breathing was shallow and I knew, fuck it, it was happening again and I was completely damn helpless.

I called it in, gave our location like an automaton, not feeling anything as I said the words and then I was kneeling beside Heero, trying to see if there was anything ­ _anything_ at fucking all I could do this time to stop him… To stop him from dying. I wasn’t going through this again, I’d told myself and shit, here it was. My life on damn repeat. Always seeing the people I fucking _love_ die. And shit, I was trying to move some of the rubble knowing it was useless until I heard his voice, that word, that word I heard every damn time and I was gritting my teeth, grinding my jaw together as I knew he’d say it.

“Stop…”

I did even though every bone in my damn body didn’t want to. I wanted to claw him out, dig him out, save him but it was futile. I wasn’t as strong as ‘Ro and shit, not even he could get himself out so what chance did I have? All I could do was pillow his head in my lap, wipe away some of the dust from his hair and cradle him as he died.

“Duo,” he said, my name low and deep and I was so goddamn sick of hearing it like that. Like it was his last few breaths and I was hurting deep inside as I couldn’t do this _again._

But I had to, had to sit beside him and hold him as I couldn’t walk away from him as he died. As he was hurt. As he was vulnerable so I stayed.

“I’m sorry…”

“’Ro…” my voice cracked and faltered as his chest stopped moving and my head dropped to lean against his as no air escaped those lips that I’d kissed so many damn times.

It felt like hours, me sat there with him in my arms, holding him as he went cold, as I stroked his hair, his face, his arm and I swallowed back my tears this time as I was hopeless. As I’d been so damn determined. I’d had a damn good plan. Everything should’ve fucking worked and it shouldn’t have ended like this. But it had. I felt like giving up, I felt like I had to try something else – shooting him in the foot, dislocating his shoulder or tying him up in a closet as I wasn’t going to do this again. But I felt that whatever I did, whatever I changed, the ending was always going to be the same and fuck, I didn’t want that ending again. And it was gonna happen again.

I sat there, my own breathing erratic, my heart too large in my chest and when the evac team came, they used equipment to get him outta the rubble, getting him out so he could be brought back to the base… to be buried. Maybe they knew, they knew what he meant to me as instead of the mocking jeers of me being different, of being an asshole who thought I was better due to being a fucking Gundam pilot, they let me be, let my hold his hand in the back of the truck even though it was cold and limp and lifeless in my grasp, even though he was gone.

I refused to leave his bodies side from the moment we got back on base, following the gurney he was put on, following him like a shadow and for some reason I was allowed to stay as everyone gave me an odd glance and tried to keep away from me. Maybe I looked as dead behind the eyes as I felt, as cold, as damn empty as I was feeling. Maybe they saw that in the way I walked, in the way I held his hand and the way I whispered and talked to him as though he wasn’t a damn corpse. Fuck, it was not the sanest shit to do but I’d just seen him die in the third most horrible fucking way and I couldn’t deal with that, you know?

I watched them clean him, I watched them check his wounds and shit, they didn’t autopsy him which maybe it was a good thing as I probably would’ve stayed for that as I couldn’t comprehend that he’d died from that blast, that bullet wound and then the damn building falling in on him. When they were done, I sat beside him on a little metal stool and held his hand, feeling the callouses on his skin, and wishing that I got my dream instead of sitting in the cold refrigeration of the temporary morgue. I wanted to be in his room, rolling around on that thin little bunk, knocking our knees together and our teeth, grinding together and kissing like there was no tomorrow. Instead, there was no tomorrow as I brushed his knuckles with my lips, feeling the cold and I sat there all damn night.

I talked to him, you know? Told him what I felt – that I was a fuck up and I’d lost everything in my life, told him my sorry past, Solo, the church, all my pain and that watching him die was the worst thing for me… as I loved him. I really fucking did. And while I’d convinced myself it was a fling, pent-up hormones, a few quick fucks, I’d fallen for him. Or maybe I’d always been a little in love, a little impressed, a little like a teenage hormone cluster fuck who liked a guy who tried to kill me. As that was normal behaviour but I couldn’t damn help it.

And I’d wake up tomorrow and he’d be alive again, I guessed, as I ran my thumb over his palm, and I’d be able to kiss him and love him but it would be brief as I’d watch him die again. I felt sleep overpower me, my calm exterior masking the damn war of emotions going on underneath the surface and I leaned against the wall behind me, letting my head drop onto my chest and I continued to hold his hand as I dropped off, as I fell into some kinda exhausted, emotionally drained sleep and even as I was going to fall into unconsciousness again, I thought about how, in a few hours’ time I’d wake up in my bunk, ready to watch the man I loved die again. Fuck. I was totally and utterly fucked.


	5. Don't Let Me Do This

This was the point I was gonna totally give up. When I woke up this time, there was no damn point as I was gonna through the motions of this mission and not even feel anything as this time, fuck this time, I was done, you know? I could tell you the shit I saw, that I saw Heero, that I kissed him, that I ground my hips into his and touched him one last time but I felt… nothing as I was aware, too damn aware, that I was going to watch an endless cycle of seeing him die. And fuck if this time I was gonna invest myself in saving him after the crushing disappointment of yesterday. Or today. So this time, I didn't try as I was gonna see it whatever. And maybe that wasn't me – eternal optimist and all but I didn't have shit left. There had been times in my life where this had happened before. When I'd been broken after holding Solo in my arms, hiding from the world, dirty and unwashed for however long until I picked myself up, shook myself off and survived, and moved on. And then I did the same after the Church, yeah, I was fucked for a while but I moved on, survived, tried to get over that event and I did, I guess.

But shit, this time I walked through the operation like a zombie. I didn't say nothing to anyone, barely watched as I walked through the same darkened houses, walked past the guy on the floor, not bothering to see the blood or the dust underneath my feet and when I saw her… I didn't stop so I saw Ethan blasted away by the spray of bullets and I took my route, my path and I didn't take care, I didn't give a shit, as I knew I wasn't the one who was going to die as that would be a fucking relief. Instead, it would always be Heero, and I could walk through this village and not give a fuck. As I was invincible in this scenario. Heero wasn't. And I walked around with that lack of care, finding myself meeting with Heero and acting like enough of a douche to convince him that something was not all there with me.

The moment he asked me whether I was "okay" was the moment I was sure I wasn't as Heero wasn't exactly Mr. Interpersonal Skills and it made me growl my orders, tell him I was taking point even though he looked puzzled at my behaviour, his brows knitted together as we spoke. Once we were out of the damn building and walking through the market square, I guessed that it didn't matter what route we took. We take one way the kid blows up and Heero dies. And the other way he gets shot. Or he gets a fucking building falling on him. So what was the damn point? But I still led us towards the Southern point of the village as that was the one way we had not gone and so I expected the damn worst as we walked.

It was deserted, we walked over corpses and hell, I even saw Ethan. I glanced up a few times, seeing where the men had been stationed and I expected one to there on the roof, ready to shoot our asses and it didn't damn happen. I got hopeful for a moment, maybe the whole blasé cocky-ass attitude was what was going to save Heero. Maybe when I tried too damn hard it wasn't going to happen for me. So I let hope surface as I thought, maybe, maybe I would get tonight with him, have incredible sex, sleep wrapped in his arms and wake up and rain kisses all over his face.

And this would be over – whatever karmic power was kicking my ass, whatever mental breakdown I was currently having would be over and I could go back to my life. I'd quit this shitty Prev job that I'd probably get kicked out of anyway, persuade 'Ro to join me, set up some kinda business… or we'd just use our leftover war funds and bum around. As we deserved that, we didn't deserve years of toiling away in an organisation full of our enemies who hated our damn guts. And I'd persuade Heero to do that with my amazing skills of articulation and maybe blowing him and giving him the best damn head he'd ever had.

I was too damn optimistic, so damn optimistic that as we walked further, I was a little blindsided as I thought we were safe this time – there were no enemies, no sound of explosives and then I was turning and looking the wrong way, raising my weapon as I saw movement. I thought I saw enemies and my instincts were in gear so quick as I thought, no, I had not got this far with Heero for it to end with him dead again as fuck, I was not doing that. I was about to let out a burst of fire when I heard the explosion, the explosion from the kid I guessed and while we were a lot further away, the blast rocked the ground and I fell, and it took me a second to figure shit out. As then… then I looked up, sand in my mouth, my bangs in my eyes and the Jeep was speeding towards me, the sound from the explosion having knocked out some of my damn hearing and I was seeing my own life end.

And this was better, I thought, as the Jeep was speeding towards me, as I moved to kneel, as I attempted to get out of the damn way, it was better for me to die and for Heero to survive as he was so much damn better than I could ever be. He was a better soldier. A better man and a better person than I would ever be so fuck, I wanted him to live as it would stop this nightmare and he would move on as I was just some convenient fuck. I convinced myself in all of a few seconds that my death was better, that my life meant nothing comparatively to Heero's and that this was the best outcome to this fucked up situation when I was knocked out of the way of the speeding car, knocked with some force I didn't understand at first and then I was realising it, in the aftermath, that it had been Heero who'd knocked me outta the way and that he had been hit, too damn hard, and that the truck had sped up and he was on the floor, and he was bleeding and I screamed, just goddamn screamed, looking up at a clear sky and a blazing sun as I couldn't do this again.

I think he heard my scream, my anguish as shit, when I crawled over to him and heard him tell me to stop, saying my name through bloody lips and telling me I was sorry, it was with a soft voice and his eyes shining with an emotion I couldn't even identify.

This time, as he spat blood through foamy lips, I knew the bleeding was probably internal and I got out my knife, unsheathing it and I didn't know what I was going to do as my medical experience was pretty damn rudimentary and I could do nothing with internal bleeding.

"Stop, Duo," he whispered and he coughed up blood, a wracking sound from his chest and I wiped away it from his lips, and I could change nothing, all I could do was watch him again.

"I should've been better…" he said and I shook my head, my movement jerky and fierce, my braid whipping around my body and no, he shouldn't have been better – I  _should've_  been better. As I got complacent this time, I thought I'd done what I damn well needed to do and he'd survive and I'd got hopeful. I'd got cocky. As when things were good for me, I always got overconfident and they got fucked.

"No, Heero," I whispered.

He didn't know my thoughts and like shit did he know I'd done this all before, seen him die before so all he was thinking was he'd failed and that was so damn far from the truth I wanted to shake him. That it was me – this was all me and he had no fault. But that was Heero, he thought he had to be the best, the strongest, the fastest and he didn't realise it was his fault for loving an asshole like me that got him killed. This was all me and I choked back a noise that sounded like a fucking sob as he died in my arms. As his chest stopped moving, as I leaned over his face to feel his breathing had stopped and I was holding him, comforting him or myself but all I could do this time was shut down. Totally. 100%. So I said nothing when I was picked up, when Heero was taken away for autopsy or to live in a nice refrigerated morgue drawer – whatever they did this time and I made the call – made the call to Quatre, told him that Heero was dead in the flattest, most emotionless voice I could. I'd forgotten to do it since the first time but I felt so damn… numb, I could manage the call, manage Quat's voice and his big blue eyes looking at me like I was damn broken. I probably looked like that – still covered in his damn blood and sand and the residue of explosives.

"Duo… do you need us?"

"No," I said coldly, "tell the Princess, you know?"

And I hung up, unable to deal with the fourth time he died as I walked to the shower block, stripping out of my clothes, and showering in lukewarm water until it became completely cold and I didn't even feel it this time as I felt nothing at all.

Nothing.

I finished showering, dressed in some clean clothes and went to his room, not giving a shit if anyone found me, if anyone saw me go into it as I collapsed onto his bed, smelling his scent on the pillows, the smell of our last sexual encounter on the damn scratchy sheets. I found one of his t-shirts that he'd worn, grabbed it and breathed in his scent, smelling him and I grabbed for my bottle. I'd stopped by my own room before I snuck into his, finding my item of contraband, the bottle of cheap vodka stashed there. I got cheap as I never knew if the shit was gonna be confiscated and I didn't want something decent taken away but I hadn't been checked and it slipped by, so I broke the seal, and laid on his bed, taking a deep long swig and feeling the burn of cheap alcohol.

The moment the alcohol went down my throat, I coughed, tasting the liquor and I wiped my hand across my mouth. I didn't need sedatives this time, as all I'd do was drink this damn bottle and fall asleep in his bed and I dreamed about him as I wanted to – how good his mouth felt on my lips, on my body, how his eyes were so fucking deep and blue and how his hands were so damn firm and strong, able to hold me as we screwed hard and fast. I didn't think of his body, I didn't think of his bloody lips, of the foam coming from his mouth, of his apology for not being good enough as I couldn't fucking think of that so instead, I took deep glugs of vodka, letting it burn it's trail into my stomach and I got drunk damn quick. As I'd refused food, refused every damn thing as I continued to drink, and the drunker I got the more I talked to myself, my voice rambling and I tried to reason this whole damn situation to some invisible deity. Or just the four walls. The drunker I got the less shit made sense.

And then I realised I was talking to Heero. I was saying damn everything to him. And he was dead.

"And each time I see you dead… I realise I'm fucking in love with you… and shit…"

My rambling continued as I took another big fucking glug of vodka, the cheap booze no longer tasting like shit the more drunk I got as it just tasted like nothing. I was realising I was getting tired, or just getting close to passing out as my speech became damn slurred.

"Tomorrow it ain't gonna happen," I said, talking to an image of Heero and the four blank walls, "tomorrow I'm gonna save your ass."

I dropped the bottle to the floor and I could hear it roll as the alcohol spilled onto the floor and I turned over onto my damn front, burying my face into the pillow – the pillow that smelt of him, gunpowder and sandalwood some fucking spice and I murmured, my words completely slurred.

"'Cause I love you, asshole."

And shit, as I fell asleep this night, it was the one time I was damn grateful of this crazy shit as when I woke up in my own bunk, I should have been completely hung over and I wasn't. I felt fine, normal and this time, I was determined that this time it was not going to happen.

I had no plan. No idea but I was gonna save him. And it had to work this time otherwise I'd blow my own brains out.

It all happened the damn same, the line up for breakfast, the same grey eggs, the same bacon that tasted of shit and the same porridge that clagged to the roof of my mouth. I snuck away with Heero, had our illicit kiss and this time, I didn't make it desperate or needy, instead I just let it be, put my emotions into it and only gave him a little damn smile when I parted from him. Leaned my forehead against his, felt the heat of his skin and I wanted to say then… say then that it meant more to me than the quick fucks I'd convinced myself of but instead, all I did was say something dumb.

"I'll be in your room tonight, fuck Deckard."

He only smirked and then it was all happening and I was in the back of the truck with my team, looking at the faces around me rather than at the roof or at my boots and this time I saw Ethan, looked at him and yeah, he was a douche but he didn't deserve to die so I figured, shit, I'd give him the heads up whether or not he wanted it. As Ethan was maybe a bit older than me and I didn't know whether he had someone damn special but he was someone's son or something and shit while that concept was foreign to me, I did not want to see him die.

So when we stopped, when we jumped out, when I secured my braid down the back of my jacket and before I put the bandana around my mouth, I grabbed for Ethan's arm, dragging him a little to the side. He was about to say something shitty and sarcastic but I got him cornered, pushing him against the side of vehicle and I put my hand over his mouth, hard, a little violent and I guess I lived up to my reputation – the scary reputation us former Gundam pilots had as I spoke low, soft.

"Listen to me, you are gonna get shot and don't ask me how the fuck I know but I damn well  _know._ You think there's something about us Gundam pilot being damn weird so just believe me. When you exit one of the houses, just look up, asshole," I said bitterly, "just look up."

I let him go, removed my hand from his mouth and I then put my bandana over my mouth, my goggles over my eyes and I was ready to fight, ready to go over the path I'd already gone through but this was the last. The last time I promised myself.

When we searched the building, I saw him, the dead guy and this time I knelt down beside him, saw him clutching something in his hand and I removed it from his stiff fingers, seeing the crumpled photograph of his family and I didn't know whether I was meant to see it or something and every time I'd just ignored it. As I looked at it, ran my thumb over it and I bowed my head, said some prayer or last rites under my breath to the air – something I didn't damn believe in but then I dropped that picture on his chest and stood up, following my path.

The little girl, the little girl I looked at her one more time, covered her frail body and prayed for her or something. Prayed that it hadn't been as damn painful as I feared for her. That she hadn't died afraid. But I guess it did no good as I walked away, ready for the next thing. As when I reached the doorway, Ethan wasn't a corpse, he was firing up and the men on the roof were being picked off by my team, more prepared for the damn ambush and I smirked as I past him, gave him a wink as I did, and I made my way to Heero.

There were four main routes away from the location where I'd meet Heero and all of them had ended with his death. I'd tried different ones only for it to end the same way. So this time, I decided to do nothing different but I'd learn from one of the events. I'd learn from the first one, I'd stop Heero from getting too close, or I'd stop the damn kid or something and I had the plan in my head.

"I'll take point," I told him and he agreed without protest and I guess that was a damn good thing. As this time, both of us were getting out of here alive.

It was a replay of the first day and knowing that the kid was gonna be there did create a lump in my throat as I had to wonder whether I could do what I needed to do – which was shoot the kid before he could detonate the explosives and I'm sure I couldn't – even though I rationalised it, even though I knew that the kid ended up dead anyway as that was harsh… cruel and everything I'd done today so far was about making things better, right and I was not gonna kill a kid.

When we got to that point, when my mouth went dry, when I saw the little boy come out in front of me I damn near faltered, didn't act or react, just watched him. He was probably about six, so damn young, so not ready for what was about to happen and I stalled  _again,_ wasn't damn quick enough again and all I could do was warn him, my shout of "down" heeded as we both hit the deck, before the blast ripped over us, around us, blowing sand and dust around us.

I looked up once it was over, crawled over to him, my heart beating too damn fast as I did. As surely, fuck it, this time he had to survive? I was nearer to the blast zone and he should be damn okay and I saw him move, I saw him look up to check my status and I guess I wanted to cheer instead of let out that damn of anguish scream that I did last time. As this time, as I crawled to him, he was kneeling, shaking his head to remove debris from his hair but no blood. No injuries and I was close to him, mouthing whether he was okay when I guess I realised that I was in pain. Okay, this was new and then Heero was hovering above me, and I was in his lap. And I glanced down to see… to see my combat gear stained red and I put my hand to my stomach, feeling the wet warmth of my own blood.

Heero's eyes were intense and I felt him putting pressure on my wound and I guess I felt the word slip from my mouth.

"Stop…"

As he always said it but this time… this time I had no control over saying it as I guessed… this was me. Time up and all.

"Heero," I said, "I'm so fucking sorry."

I didn't hear his words as I was kinda floating or some shit and I wondered what it felt like to him as he watched me die – whether it ripped him apart, whether it was the damn worst thing in the world but I had once chance after all the shit to say this and I needed him to know – even if it made it damn worse.

"Heero… I love you."

And that, ladies and gentleman, was what I thought was my last words and I was good with that after the torment of the last few repeated days as while my life had been one big fuck up of pain and suffering and fighting – for one small part of it I was happy and in love with Heero Yuy. And it made all the shit worth it.

 


	6. Epilogue

I thought I'd wake up to the sound of the damn wake-up call, harsh and loud and repeat the day again, even though I did remember the last time it had ended up with me being dead. So you know, it was surprising when I woke up and I felt something different, heard something different and realised I wasn't in my bunk.

The sound was breathing, Heero's breathing I figured as there was a warm body pressed to my side, so hot and I was tempted to damn complain but then he felt so solid, reassuring, firm and fucking real that I was not gonna make him move for a little comfort. For being a little hot. It felt like the least of my worries.

His head was resting on my shoulder, my skin was bare and his hair, that thick coarse gorgeous hair that I loved to run my fingers through was tickling at my jaw and throat. He felt good and I didn't wanna move as I wondered a few things. Maybe I was dead and this was heaven or something. But then I figured that I didn't believe in any of that shit and really, me, Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, badass? Was I really gonna go to heaven? So I hadda be alive. So that was reassuring.

But then also I was in pain. Mucho pain. Like across my stomach and my legs and moving a little was a pain that made me grind me teeth and tense. And Heero woke up, my teeny tiny movements alerting him to the fact I was awake.

It was good when he moved as he'd been hot but then as soon as his skin left direct contact with my own, I ached, you know, and I was dragging him back towards me with a neediness that was so damn out of character for me. Okay, get me horny and I'll be needy but this wasn't that kinda lusty sexy need, this was a need for just the physical presence of someone else and that, that was not something I did but right now, I wanted it. I fucking needed it and Heero complied, lying down right back where he'd been but not before he brushed my cheek with his lips in an affectionate little kiss that made me all tingly. See, didn't need to get me all hot and horny for me to be a big pile of goo.

"How do you feel?" he asked and I snickered.

"Like we need to get the number plate of the Gundam that ran over me."

He didn't laugh, not that I expected him to, as you know, he was very often a complete humour free zone but then I guessed what shit he'd been through the last few hours so shit, I could sympathise.

"I thought I'd lost you," he said and I reached for his hand, finding it, the callouses and I linked our fingers together as this time, nope, neither of us were going anywhere.

"Don't think like that."

I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to think like I'd had to. See what I'd had to and shit, not now, when I was in a hospital bed, when he was laid next to me, half hanging off it but not giving a shit so we could be close together. It was kinda sweet even though he could sleep wherever, part of his robotic automaton shit and I wasn't going to let this good feeling go. Despite the pain I was in.

"They let you stay?"

He made a noise that resembled a grunt. A dismissive grunt.

"We in trouble?"

I heard his voice, low and husky in my ear and I closed my eyes, listening to him. "When you came back… you were almost dead. You'd lost a lot of blood and I… demanded to stay with you…and Deckard wanted me sedated so I threatened him."

I chuckled. "Threatened him?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"With a slow and painful death."

The image in my head of Heero staring down our commander and not giving a shit was amusing me – maybe he even pushed him up against a wall, tried to cut off his air supply, something overly dramatic but whatever, I was wanting to laugh hard but I guessed that wasn't an option with the pain radiating in my body. So I made a low "hmm" sound in my throat to confirm I understood.

"And?" I pressed.

"I may no longer be a Preventer."

The idea of that made me smile and I knew he couldn't see it but after all this I was not going back in the field and I was not going to battle and fight for a peace I'd already fought for. I wanted a new life, a different life as I was too damn young to die. And I was too damn young to watch the man I loved die so yeah, I sighed, letting a deep breath out.

"Then I guess I quit too."

He was about to say something as he'd moved and I could feel his face inches away from mine and I opened my eyes to meet his and I shook my head, raised my fingers to his face, brushing away his hair from those gorgeous fucking eyes and I looked at him all serious.

"I'm not gonna stay in this organisation where people suspect us of being crazy, where nobody respects us and we could die as I've fought my war and shit… I want a chance at life, Heero, life with you. I think we're too young to die in some battlefield we don't give a fuck about."

His answer was a curt nod and then our lips met, the kiss slow and full of some emotion that I guess neither of us were damn comfortable with as when we stopped, I looked away and so did he, me looking down to where I was injured and him looking towards the wall.

He turned after a moment. "Ethan wanted to know…"

"Huh?"

"How you knew they were going to ambush your team… he said you were acting weird."

I frowned, looked up at the ceiling as I didn't want to lie directly to his face and how did I explain that I'd see him die four times, that I'd felt life leave his body and through that I realised I wanted something more from life than fighting and struggling? So instead I just gave him a wink.

"Call it a hunch."

Heero didn't look satisfied with that answer but I yawned, the exhaustion of whatever drugs and the pain making me damn drowsy and I reached for him again.

"I need sleep, 'Ro."

And he laid back down beside me in the most uncomfortable fucking position and he was too hot and his hand aggravated by damn wound where it sat across my body but I didn't care as he was alive and he was mine.

"I love you, asshole," I said, a little smirk on my face.

"Love you too, idiot," was his response.

It was hardly the most affectionate shit but I didn't care as I started to fall asleep next to him, feeling his skin against mine, so damn perfect and after seeing him die so many times, I swore never to let that happen again and be always by his side. And with those nice thoughts, I guess I fell asleep, ready to wake up and start the rest of my life and not  _that_ motherfucking day again.


End file.
